It´s ok to not be ok

The sea has always been my refuge 

I've always admired its resilience 

And I always wanted to be like it

But it's ok not to be ok too

What's the use of me being resilient, what's the use of me being the best when there's no health?

Health has always been my Achilles' heel and I try everything to think positive to have a normal life and so little by little I created my resilience where nothing gets me down...

However 32 years later I do not know what to do...

Year after year new diseases ,new diagnoses...

And the same symptoms always getting worse day after day and I care and accept and try once again to do something that gives me happiness. 

I take a deep breath as I look at the sea and how I want to be like it. Calm, angry but always resilient.

However now I know that it is ok not to be well. 

It's ok to feel injusticed, to feel angry, to feel afraid, to feel alone ... 

Because life is made of phases and the one I'm going through I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

Apparently I'm fine, I've got a good job, I'm a good student, I have a loving boyfriend, everyone likes to be around me, they say I transmit calm, good vibes...

But I feel so alone 

I am so afraid because now I can't have pleasure in the small things in life...

I focus on them and I want so badly for them to be real again 

You know what it's like to be motivated but by fate, we only have pain and symptoms after symptoms 

And even breathing hurts... what do we do when that happens...

I help people on a daily basis to find their true selves to accept who they are and believe that little by little everything can be achieved ....

But what about me? I rarely think about myself? I take care of myself, I look for help but no one knows what it really is because I belong to the 5% of the population that survives a head trauma as a baby, because maybe I belong to 2% of the population that is cogntively well.

I've always been grateful for that 

But now what will become of me? 

Will there be magic pills that will put me back like the ones that made me bad ?

Will I have the strength to face this fight again?

Will I be able to have pleasure again in the things of my daily life?

I want it so much I believe so. 

But I am afraid 

I am irritated 

I'm sad, beause there's no answer 

And I get anxious so I take a deep breath 

And I search for that place that for me will always be home 

The place where I feel safe 

Here looking at the sea I take a deep breath I leave my doubts and fears and I breathe. I trust and have faith that the sunset tomorrow will be different. 

I am grateful for every wave, grateful to hear the sea, grateful for the wind touching my face, grateful for the sun that illuminates me . Grateful for life.

As a Portuguese song goes... "Cause there's no answer 

Cause there's no answer 

And I get anxious so I take a deep breath 

And I search for that place that for me will always be home 

The place where I feel safe 

Here looking at the sea I take a deep breath I leave my doubts and fears and inspire trust, faith I believe the sunset tomorrow will be different. 

Grateful for every wave 

Grateful to hear the sea

grateful for the wind touching my face

grateful for the sun that illuminates me. Grateful for life.

As a Portuguese song goes: "Quero é viver, até quando eu não sei , não importa o que serei , quero é viver… amanhã será sempre um amanhã não importa o que será mais um prazer… vou lutar e para sempre continuar mais uma vez..."